The Case for Surrender

Dear Eryn,

Greetings from your highest self, the beauty that is uniquely YOU that God envisioned and so "fearfully and wonderfully fashioned." Thank you for taking the leap this past April 23rd to decide to surrender all your food, body weight, shape and exercise over to the care of God. I know that lately it has not been easy and you have had moments of despair and agony when reclaiming control seemed preferable and more desirable than continuing to plod along and be asked to go against everything you have come to believe about yourself, health, food, exercise, the world, people and God. So I am writing to you at this time to remind you why you decided to choose to travel down this path of surrender, to choose life even when you didn't really believe you were headed toward death.
Here are the reasons why you are doing this:

1. Out of curiosity and anticipation of how "richly blessed" you would be beyond your wildest dreams, that others spoke about in 12-step meetings. You had heard often enough how great God's blessings are and even had experienced a host of them on a number of occasions in other areas of your well-being: serendipitous incidents, providential moments, caring and nurturing people stumbling into your life, doors opening almost before they had even appeared, etc. that you figured you had nothing to lose and only so much to gain by also surrendering over this most dear possession that you had clung to lustfully, zealously as "your precious." 
2. Because you want the promises of the program to come true for you too. From the very first exposure to 12-step fellowships you could not deny or pass off as purely coincidental the fact that the very things you desired in your life had been summed up in about 2 paragraphs in this program of recovery. 
3. Out of a desire for congruity between what you professed to believe as a Catholic woman and how you lived your life. You decided to allow God to work in this aspect of your life more fully, to open yourself up to his design for your body. I know that it was crucial in this regard, in this conscious decision to surrender something so dear that has been your security for so long, to focus on the word "CARE" in this surrender process. Unlike the times God blessed you without your prior conscious surrender in this purely volitional decision to turn something over to God, saying "okay God go ahead and act, I release my grip over my food, body, weight shape and exercise and I give you permission" you needed the assurance that this Higher Power was a benevolent entity and would have your best self in mind always. I know you were not willing to turn yourself over to just anyone or anything or to a generic god or anything of the like. You were however, willing to believe that the many good things in your life were the result of God working and used these bits of proof to suspend some of your distrust and allay a bit of the paralyzing fear to tentatively loosen a finger hold on what had become your "rock of salvation." You were able to acknowledge the prompting of your higher self that only God could be the Rock strong enough to relieve your deepest fears, to quell your deepest anxieties for more than a few moment's reprieve.  
4. Out of a desire for integrity around your health and well-being. You professed a deep desire to be healthy, stating this as your defense in the face of accusatory statements to the contrary by medical professionals, family, friends and others. I know that a deep desire for health was the initial motivation behind many of your choices around food and exercise but it soon became the smoke-screen for a host of ultimately unhealthy actions that you had no more control over than you would allow to those who you resisted so vehemently when they attempted to intervene. 
5. Because you want freedom from the obsessions of your mind and this was the direction that kept being consistently given to you from a variety of arenas: "Surrender"preached from your 12-step fellows, "let God take the wheel" Christian's sang, "be in the flow" yogi's chanted (probably in sanskrit for the record), "Come to me, all you who are weary and heavy burdened, take upon you my yoke for my yoke is easy and my burden light and you will find rest for your souls" "do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body" the Bible read. 
6. To be a fuller part of your 12-step fellowship by truly working the steps and thereby to be  available to your fellows and to have the sobriety to be able to recognize and respond with compassion to the needs of all others you encounter.
7. To have a clearer head and an open heart to be able to encounter Christ in your life: to recognize and hear His voice and correspond to it so as to be able to act in alignment with God's will for your life so that it "bears fruit that endures till eternity." To be truly free to live a life in correspondence and co-created with God, serving Him in whatever capacity He calls you
8. The integrity to work in the field of eating disorders as a professional. To utilize your knowledge as a medical professional and your own experience in a way that commands respect and is of utmost integrity.
9. To have the capacity for fulfilling relationships and the ability to establish and adhere to appropriate boundaries in your life.
10. To use your voice instead of your body to assert your needs
11. To have the capacity to enter into a spousal relationship without bondage to self
12. To have freedom over your emotions and decreased potential for subconscious or conscious wounding of others  
13. To no longer live your life controlled by the tyranny of fear: To develop a true sense of self, involving authentic expression and action, and ability to make decisions from a place of freedom
14. To have the capacity to see yourself in the light of God's love for you and act accordingly.
15. And, above all, that God would have all the glory in your recovery

Please read this as often as you need to reconnect with me, your higher self. I long for your complete freedom and happiness.

Blessings,

Your Higher Self