Bon Appetite!

So here is the completed version of my Gluten-Free Challenge recipe for anyone interested. Due to the lack of responses as far as versions, did it solo, albeit with some taste-testers. I encourage you all to try it out at your next picnic/BBQ or as accompaniment to grilled fish or meats. I look forward to constructive feedback.

Blessings :)

The Princess and the Pea??

Recognizing lately that I want the circumstances to be "perfect" before eating. Like right now I am procrastinating eating afternoon snack because I kind of want to eat it at a coffee shop, pair it with coffee, get out of the house and have a change of scenery.

Cooks/Taste Testers: Gluten-free Challenge BBQ Recipe "Skeleton"

Hello everyone, thanks for your willingness to consider helping me formulate a GF BBQ appropriate recipe.
Here is the skeleton I have been conjuring up in my head however, I have no idea on quantity, ease of preparation, how it tastes, and holds up to heat (maybe other geographical areas experience hot sun in the summer months when typical BBQs are held) etc.

Taste Testers Needed!!

Okay, so for those of you who don't know, I am officially a Gluten-Free Challenge Coach. This is a Challenge that is being conducted by Iris Higgins. For more information visit her blog, The Daily Dietribe. Basically the "Gluten Free Health Challenge is a six month challenge that will begin on June 1st and end on November 30th, 2013. During this time period, 7 women will get free gluten free health coaching, free group workshops on food and emotions, and the opportunity to share their stories here." 
As part of my commitment as coach, I am required to submit an original recipe on the first of each month, June -November, replete with pictures and all. For June the theme happens to be BBQ. I initially felt a wave of anxiety, how would I be able to post pictures when I don't own a camera? Not to mention, how was I to test a recipe when I was not able to prepare my own food being on meal support and all? Well, I could just prepare it for others and ask for feedback. That seemed like the most logical solution to my problem. As I thought more about the logistics however, of creating a recipe and sampling it, and building on that theme of involving others in this process, I am inviting you all and any other willing tummies to be my taste testers. 
I have a base recipe in mind and would like you all to make it according to the directions and make alterations as you deem necessary. Please post your taste impressions along with any alterations you may have made  to the recipe and also I would love pictures!! Whatever the end results turns out to be I will make note of all the inputs and give credit where credit is due.
I will post my base recipe by the end of the week and then await all your responses. I greatly appreciate your input, not to mention your taste buds!!
Let me know if you are up for the adventure! :)

Detachment

What comes to mind is Detachment, that tried and true practice of all spiritual foundations with any kind of longevity. Detachment from the outcome of anything that I am working toward and yet not giving up or settling for less than my aspirations either. Like when I score an 86 on a test when I know I studied what I thought would be on it and then was confronted with different material that took longer to access from the recesses of my brain and wasn't as efficiently remembered. I need to let it go. Yet the thoughts of injustice, of failure, of how this is a reflection of my knowledge and ability as a budding doctor, etc. rush forth despite the intellectual realization that all they are is just that... thoughts. I am powerless over these thoughts, just like the thoughts that plague me with regards to my food, body weight and shape, and exercise (currently NOT exercising lets just make that clear to anyone reading... aka: sponsor).

Benefits of Meal Support: Reciprocal Gains (no pun intended)

Hello everyone. I have found it touching and encouraging to know that many have been reading my musings in my journey in early sobriety and aren't completely turned off. I know for myself that without personally witnessing the journey of others who had been where I was, who knew the depths of fear and rigid need for control that drive me to do my crazy behaviors, I would never have made the decision to open myself to surrender. For me this was a an actual physical witnessing beyond mere words on a page, my Higher Power knows me all too well and knows that beyond seeing the actual "burning bush" so to speak I wouldn't have believed in the validity of what was being spoken about. Even with personally witnessing many other's journeys, it has taken me almost 6 years to take the leap to surrender to the extent of allowing my Higher Power to make and prepare all my meals and snacks.

"Nursing" a meal anyone??

Today I have been struggling with the eating schedule with which my sponsor has provided me. Another area in which I have thoughts over which I am powerless that seek to dictate my behaviors.

NO NO YOU ARE HEADING DOWN THE WRONG PATH, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, YOU ARE A PUSHOVER, A CHUMP, YOU DON'T NEED HER ... YOU KNOW WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU, NOT HERE!!!

 Instead I need to surrender it over and allow myself to be directed by my Higher Power as working through my sponsor. I have to open myself to God's grace and then act in the direction provided despite the thoughts that rage. Maybe someday it will sound more like a child throwing a tantrum to adults that the child doesn't realize are behind a glass, sound-proof wall and can't hear a thing the child is saying. Not holding my breath for that one to happen anytime soon.  I am completely detached there :)

In my anorexia I "nursed"a meal over many hours. Stopping and starting the same meal multiple times throughout the day such that breakfast could last over many hours and the same with lunch and dinner provided the reassurance that if I was hungry there would be some "allowable" food/calories available. No wonder when trying to follow a meal plan snacks were often so challenging for me. Who needs a snack when 3 meals was sufficient to last all day, especially when the majority of them were vegetables?  However, drawing out meals, or snacks for that matter, doesn't work so well in sobriety. No matter what, I still have the same amount of food to eat before the end of the day and prolonging it only makes it harder to get in on the other end and I end up feeling like I'm binging at night. It has been a hard transition however for me and I still find myself unable at times to finish eating the portion of food in one sitting. I am realizing that the fear of getting hungry between the defined times is what motivates the piecemeal eating. The fear of overeating with which my disease plagues my mind is always there - on high alert and yet the weird thing is, I don't even want to say it, I don't tend to eat even when it is the proper time for eating!! Ahh how my mind can get so hijacked by my disorder. Anorexia in my experience truly is like a parasitic infection of the mind!

Just now my housemate graciously asked if I'd like lentil soup. The people pleaser in my responded yes, grateful for the offer that she wanted to provide me with food and also realing with the sound of my sponsor that we say yes to food that is offered to us trusting that it is from our Higher Power. However, I did not realize that this admission of my like for some lentil soup implied that I was to eat dinner with her and her husband.. tonight...according to their schedule and timing. Once again an opportunity to surrender. Irony or inspired??

Powerlessness vs. Right Action

For a while now I have recognized that I have a very hard time sitting still and focusing on one thing at a time, especially when I am on the computer. I am wondering lately what this is about. A way to avoid feeling feelings? Evidence for the ever-lingering sense of overwhelm and generalized anxiety about my future as a naturopath? ADHD? (wait for another post on that all too often diagnose for something that as Stephen Cowen MD describes is a symptom like fever rather than a disease entity in its own right; but hey, my anorexia wouldn't object to a prescription of Adderral - loss of appetite anyone?) As an antidote to this overwhelm, my great Aunt always makes the point to remind me, One Day At A Time. However, my perfectionist wants to object that success doesn't happen with that mentality!! Living in the present moment is all fine and well for those who have it together but for me, who has all these goals hanging from thin threads over my head....like a mobile....whirling above me always just out of grasp.... I find it difficult to implement! I also find it difficult to know the steps that I need to actively take, and where and when I need to let go and let God act. What am I powerless over and what requires action? When I am struggling with overwhelm I find it hard to sit still.. all I want is a stimulant or a nap! Or more than anything to exercise. Would just LOVE a vigorous vinyasa yoga class taught by Tina or Dora. Sadly that is not an action I can take and still remain in sobriety at this point.
What comes to mind is Detachment, that tried and true practice of all spiritual foundations with any kind of longevity. Detachment from the outcome of anything that I am working toward and yet not giving up or settling for less than my aspirations either. Like when I score an 86 on a test when I know I studied what I thought would be on it and then was confronted with different material that took longer to access from the recesses of my brain and wasn't as efficiently remembered. I need to let it go. Yet the thoughts of injustice, of failure, of how this is a reflection of my knowledge and ability as a budding doctor, etc. rush forth despite the intellectual realization that all they are is just that... thoughts. I am powerless over these thoughts, just like the thoughts that plague me with regards to my food, body weight and shape, and exercise (currently NOT exercising lets just make that clear to anyone reading... aka: sponsor). Choosing Right Action and accepting Powerlessness over the thoughts that want me to act otherwise.

Fueling Freedom: One Bite at a Time

Happy Pentecost to one and all! I have had a particularly challenging morning today. After an uplifting Pentecost Mass at Blessed Sacrament Parish, I found myself faced with the torture of a breakfast I couldn't have ever fathomed eating!!

Awakening to the Spirit of Life Alive

My name is Eryn and I decided to start this blog in-part to record what I am "thinking and learning" on my journey of recovery.  I endeavor to embark on this adventure within the technological realm to concur my fear of interacting in a technological medium and moreover, to provide evidence for my mind countering my self-doubt and perfectionism that often times prevent me from taking risks, especially where vulnerability is concerned. As I reflect on it, taking the risk to begin this blog coincides in a synergistic way with the decision to begin to "set aside everything I think I know about myself and my disease" and take the risk to embark on a "new way of living."
This new phase of my recovery that began on April 23, 2013 has also entailed taking risks and countering the negative beliefs that I have struggled with since before adolescence. However, I am sick and tired of having my life be driven by fear: of failure, vulnerability, humility, loneliness, judgement, financial insecurity, etc. Upon meeting me you may not be aware of the destructive thoughts that are constantly at play within my head. If any of you remember the Nickelodeon show "Pete and Pete" as I write this, what comes to mind is Pete's mom and how the metal plate in her head was able to pick-up radio wave currents causing her to have radio stations playing in her head.  Well for me, as my dad likes to call them, "cerebral gymnastics" play all day long. They are a constellation of fears and anxieties that probably have at their core self-hate, however, this has taken me a while to identify and is still hard to acknowledge and speak about. What my fears most evidently manifest as are a rigid need to control my food, exercise and weight due to the more superficial level fear of gaining weight and becoming one of those "millions of Americans" with metabolic syndrome who are constantly being maligned in our society. People who know me may have a good belly laugh at this reflection. I have none of the risk factors for metabolic syndrome however, even writing about it I start to feel a physiological response of shortened breaths and tightened jaw. I identify these fears as "superficial" in the sense that I am learning that they reflect more deeper fears around self-worth and esteem however, in my mind they are the ULTIMATE fears. Even now I need to take a deep breath and realize that becoming overweight and suffering weight induced health problems are not my Higher Power's will for me.
This brings me to the new phase of my journey of recovery. On April 23, 2013 I made the decision to "surrender over all control of my food, body weight, shape and exercise to my Higher Power."
 I cannot exactly identify what caused me to finally be willing to take this action, but after more than half my life of trying to cognitively figure myself out, of dealing primarily with the mental and emotional processes of mind, I decided to make a change in ACTION.  As I have heard for the past 6 years, "we don't think our way to right action, we act our way to right thinking." I can only attribute my decision to finally take action to the grace of God working in both those around me and also within me. This is evidence of the Spirit of Life that has allowed me to take the first step toward long-term sobriety.
As an analytical thinker, I like measurable outcomes, clearly trackable figures from which I can determine a trajectory of success or failure in any given pursuit. Tracking the presence of this Spirit of Life in my life is a way to stay motivated and committed to my journey. It is a way to positively utilize an attribute of myself that I have tended to use to my detriment. In this new phase I am learning how to employ some of my character traits that heretofore had been solely employed to my detriment.  Stay tuned for future posts on where the Spirit is showing up in my life.
Happy Pentecost!!