Yes, it all sounds benign and maybe to a normal eater it is fine, but when it interferes with my ability to eat the snack/meal then it becomes a problem. It is like the fairy tale of the princess and the pea; I am hyper-attuned to my feelings around the situational setting when I am getting ready to eat: is the knife and fork the size I want; what is the bowl like- too big? how does the meal look, smell, taste? enough salt? need some black pepper? wait it needs some apple cider vinegar or cinnamon. I am constantly reassessing the situation in my mind for ways to delay eating, whether starting or finishing.
Today by the grace of God I have been on track with my food schedule. Although currently running a bit late on afternoon snack and need to get started.
Eryn,
ReplyDeleteMy dietician used the analogy of the "Whack-a-Mole" game when recovering from an eating disorder. I have to agree with her on this. It seems to me that as soon as it feels like one thing is in check, a new symptom or one that has not been an issue for a while, comes up. It is almost as if the eating disorder is finding ways to stay in the picture. Can you resonate with this thought? Is this sense of needing the perfect eating scenario simply an eating disorder symptom that has "popped up"? What have you done in the past to cut the ropes of the eating disorder? Exposure? Prayer? Re-directing the thoughts?
Also, since you are allowing others to make the decisions about "what" you eat, maybe this is your way of trying to establish some sort of control. Perhaps if you are able to eat in a coffee shop, or outside or on some beautiful dinnerware, you will get that need met. I think it is great to want to have eating be an experience; a bonding time with yourself. Eating can give you moments to think, be creative, engage with yourself and God. Easier said thank done, but it IS possible!
I hope you have found this comment useful or at least "food for thought." Love you friend.
-Kristy