Father Christopher gave a wonderful homily this early morning. He spoke about the Holy Spirit being sent to the apostles and Mary in order that they may continue the work of the Father in the world, namely healing and forgiveness. This really resonated with me and recalled to mind a passage from Isaiah that the Lord sent to me when I was first in high school and that has periodically been brought to mind in various times throughout my life.
So on the high of this morning service, with a new infusion of the Holy Spirit, breakfast in tow, I set out on my idyllic traipse through the woods to class this morning at Bastyr. Then I opened my breakfast and the tantruming child broke out in anger. All grace and glory, all alleluias were replaced with the guttural sensation of WTF! What was this yeasty bread that looked like French toast and put together in sandwich format with almond butter and banana! Haha maybe this was a joke, maybe Carmel gave me the wrong breakfast, I am intolerant to gluten after all so this couldn't possibly be for me. A quick call to my meal support to help me verify this and also, if possibly it was GF, it sure as hell wasn't yeast free, another food I am intolerant to and have been since childhood. There was a moment of pause as I waited for a response and I proceeded to focus on my class. However, the gnawing fear and the hunger by this point was intense such that focusing on restless leg syndrome and periodic limb movement disorder was useless. Of course the alleviating response I had sought was not forthcoming. Rather, the affirmation that indeed this was my breakfast was the text the vibration of my phone brought forth. As if that wasn't enough, there was the accompanying slices of ham or at least that is what I identified then as that I had completely overlooked or maybe blinded from my view subconsciously (hemianopsia of certain foods anyone?)
After a dousing with cayenne (literally the top fell off and it coated the entire thing) and cinnamon, I got it down. The emotional response was tremendous and it is hard to put into words. When I eat such foods, willingly ingesting them of my own free accord, I feel as if I was rapping myself. Excuse the vulgarity of this and I apologize to those who have experienced rape from another first hand. But that is how it feels to me in these intense moments.
On the positive side I have to envision that I am digging new neuropathways, adding to their myelin sheaths such that my brain is able to more readily access these pathways when I take the harder action and eat what has been provided for me. I have to remind myself that with each bit I am fueling the possibility for freedom in my life and no longer being led by fear.
You know what? I wouldn't have felt any better I don't think if I had chosen to eat something else. Yes, I would have avoided this intense disgusting feeling deep in the pit of my stomach but the feeling I would have had to then deal with would have been the self-hate for not sticking with sobriety for being so easily swayed from my intentions. No other choice would have been any better in my mind.
One meal down, 3 snacks and 2 more meals to go!!
Praise God for community and fellowship to help me through this and His mercy on my weakness!
After a dousing with cayenne (literally the top fell off and it coated the entire thing) and cinnamon, I got it down. The emotional response was tremendous and it is hard to put into words. When I eat such foods, willingly ingesting them of my own free accord, I feel as if I was rapping myself. Excuse the vulgarity of this and I apologize to those who have experienced rape from another first hand. But that is how it feels to me in these intense moments.
On the positive side I have to envision that I am digging new neuropathways, adding to their myelin sheaths such that my brain is able to more readily access these pathways when I take the harder action and eat what has been provided for me. I have to remind myself that with each bit I am fueling the possibility for freedom in my life and no longer being led by fear.
You know what? I wouldn't have felt any better I don't think if I had chosen to eat something else. Yes, I would have avoided this intense disgusting feeling deep in the pit of my stomach but the feeling I would have had to then deal with would have been the self-hate for not sticking with sobriety for being so easily swayed from my intentions. No other choice would have been any better in my mind.
One meal down, 3 snacks and 2 more meals to go!!
Praise God for community and fellowship to help me through this and His mercy on my weakness!
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