"Nursing" a meal anyone??

Today I have been struggling with the eating schedule with which my sponsor has provided me. Another area in which I have thoughts over which I am powerless that seek to dictate my behaviors.

NO NO YOU ARE HEADING DOWN THE WRONG PATH, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, YOU ARE A PUSHOVER, A CHUMP, YOU DON'T NEED HER ... YOU KNOW WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU, NOT HERE!!!

 Instead I need to surrender it over and allow myself to be directed by my Higher Power as working through my sponsor. I have to open myself to God's grace and then act in the direction provided despite the thoughts that rage. Maybe someday it will sound more like a child throwing a tantrum to adults that the child doesn't realize are behind a glass, sound-proof wall and can't hear a thing the child is saying. Not holding my breath for that one to happen anytime soon.  I am completely detached there :)

In my anorexia I "nursed"a meal over many hours. Stopping and starting the same meal multiple times throughout the day such that breakfast could last over many hours and the same with lunch and dinner provided the reassurance that if I was hungry there would be some "allowable" food/calories available. No wonder when trying to follow a meal plan snacks were often so challenging for me. Who needs a snack when 3 meals was sufficient to last all day, especially when the majority of them were vegetables?  However, drawing out meals, or snacks for that matter, doesn't work so well in sobriety. No matter what, I still have the same amount of food to eat before the end of the day and prolonging it only makes it harder to get in on the other end and I end up feeling like I'm binging at night. It has been a hard transition however for me and I still find myself unable at times to finish eating the portion of food in one sitting. I am realizing that the fear of getting hungry between the defined times is what motivates the piecemeal eating. The fear of overeating with which my disease plagues my mind is always there - on high alert and yet the weird thing is, I don't even want to say it, I don't tend to eat even when it is the proper time for eating!! Ahh how my mind can get so hijacked by my disorder. Anorexia in my experience truly is like a parasitic infection of the mind!

Just now my housemate graciously asked if I'd like lentil soup. The people pleaser in my responded yes, grateful for the offer that she wanted to provide me with food and also realing with the sound of my sponsor that we say yes to food that is offered to us trusting that it is from our Higher Power. However, I did not realize that this admission of my like for some lentil soup implied that I was to eat dinner with her and her husband.. tonight...according to their schedule and timing. Once again an opportunity to surrender. Irony or inspired??