My name is Eryn and I decided to start this blog in-part to record what I am "thinking and learning" on my journey of recovery. I endeavor to embark on this adventure within the technological realm to concur my fear of interacting in a technological medium and moreover, to provide evidence for my mind countering my self-doubt and perfectionism that often times prevent me from taking risks, especially where vulnerability is concerned. As I reflect on it, taking the risk to begin this blog coincides in a synergistic way with the decision to begin to "set aside everything I think I know about myself and my disease" and take the risk to embark on a "new way of living."
This new phase of my recovery that began on April 23, 2013 has also entailed taking risks and countering the negative beliefs that I have struggled with since before adolescence. However, I am sick and tired of having my life be driven by fear: of failure, vulnerability, humility, loneliness, judgement, financial insecurity, etc. Upon meeting me you may not be aware of the destructive thoughts that are constantly at play within my head. If any of you remember the Nickelodeon show "Pete and Pete" as I write this, what comes to mind is Pete's mom and how the metal plate in her head was able to pick-up radio wave currents causing her to have radio stations playing in her head. Well for me, as my dad likes to call them, "cerebral gymnastics" play all day long. They are a constellation of fears and anxieties that probably have at their core self-hate, however, this has taken me a while to identify and is still hard to acknowledge and speak about. What my fears most evidently manifest as are a rigid need to control my food, exercise and weight due to the more superficial level fear of gaining weight and becoming one of those "millions of Americans" with metabolic syndrome who are constantly being maligned in our society. People who know me may have a good belly laugh at this reflection. I have none of the risk factors for metabolic syndrome however, even writing about it I start to feel a physiological response of shortened breaths and tightened jaw. I identify these fears as "superficial" in the sense that I am learning that they reflect more deeper fears around self-worth and esteem however, in my mind they are the ULTIMATE fears. Even now I need to take a deep breath and realize that becoming overweight and suffering weight induced health problems are not my Higher Power's will for me.
This brings me to the new phase of my journey of recovery. On April 23, 2013 I made the decision to "surrender over all control of my food, body weight, shape and exercise to my Higher Power."
I cannot exactly identify what caused me to finally be willing to take this action, but after more than half my life of trying to cognitively figure myself out, of dealing primarily with the mental and emotional processes of mind, I decided to make a change in ACTION. As I have heard for the past 6 years, "we don't think our way to right action, we act our way to right thinking." I can only attribute my decision to finally take action to the grace of God working in both those around me and also within me. This is evidence of the Spirit of Life that has allowed me to take the first step toward long-term sobriety.
As an analytical thinker, I like measurable outcomes, clearly trackable figures from which I can determine a trajectory of success or failure in any given pursuit. Tracking the presence of this Spirit of Life in my life is a way to stay motivated and committed to my journey. It is a way to positively utilize an attribute of myself that I have tended to use to my detriment. In this new phase I am learning how to employ some of my character traits that heretofore had been solely employed to my detriment. Stay tuned for future posts on where the Spirit is showing up in my life.
Happy Pentecost!!
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